Why Sensitive Men Struggle With Friendship (and What They Actually Need)

Male loneliness is now considered as dangerous to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. But for Highly Sensitive Men (or HSP), the struggle to make friends goes deeper than just "getting out more."

In this special episode, psychotherapist Esther Kane, MSW hands the mic to her HSP husband, Nathaniel who, along with his HSP friend Michel, break down the "Friendship Problem" nobody talks about. If you’ve ever felt "frozen out" of male groups, or feel like your friendships are only surface-level, this conversation is for you or the man in your life.

Nathaniel and Michel discuss why men isolate, the "busy trap," and—most importantly—what you can actually do about it.

🔥 THE SOLUTION: Stick around until the end for our "Magic Text" Script—a simple, non-awkward message you can copy-paste to reconnect with an old friend today.

This video addresses the following:   

 - Why highly sensitive men often struggle to maintain male friendships.
 - The difference between "Activity Friends" and "Emotional Connection."
 - How to overcome the fear of reaching out first.
 - The Reconnect Script: Exactly what to say to break the ice.

Chapters

0:00 Loneliness Epidemic & Why This Matters
0:28 Why Highly Sensitive Men Struggle to Make Friends
1:36 How Boys Are Socialized Away From Emotional Connection
2:32 The “Survival Mode” Dynamic Among Boys
4:06 The Vulnerability Test
5:07 Why Male Friendships Stay Surface-Level
6:34 Emotional Intelligence vs Traditional Masculinity
8:03 The Turning Point: Maturity Changes Friendship Needs
10:10 Why Men Suddenly Want Deeper Friendships Later in Life
11:54 The Hidden Grief of Disconnected Men
14:30 The "Busyness" Myth
16:15 Finding Emotionally Safe Male Friends
18:17 Why Reaching Out Feels Awkward (But Isn’t)
20:56 The Psychology of Reconnection
23:02 The Simple Text Message to Reconnect With a Friend
24:39 Final Takeaway — You’re Not Broken

Links

To watch episodes on Esther's YouTube Channel:

https://www.youtube.com/@compassionateconversations441

www.estherkane.com

Subscribe to my newsletter to receive either of these for FREE:10 Tips for Getting Rid of Relationships That Drain Your Energy or the 6-part audio program, Making Peace With Food and Our Bodies:

https://www.estherkane.com/#newsletter

Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

The US Surgeon General recently declared loneliness a public health epidemic, stating that its impact on mortality is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Speaker: 0:11

I'm Nathaniel and with me is my friend Michel. Today we're talking about why it's so hard for highly sensitive men like us to make friends. Make sure to stick around until the end because we're going to share one simple text message script you can send to an old friend today to reconnect without it being awkward.

Speaker: 0:27

So Michel, why do you think it's so difficult for sensitive guys to make friends these days?

Speaker: 0:36

Young boys are are thought to be um not showing their emotions uh in general and to be uh maybe more competitive men-to-man relationship uh or friendship or not not often into intimacy. as women uh nurturther that I think uh we see a more deeper friendship naturally stemming uh with women into intimacy at a young age and and even in adult ages. Young boys and men are conditioned in a way I find to not go towards friendship, not build those uh skills to develop uh deep friendship.

Speaker: 1:24

Yeah. Whereas women learn that from a young age and it's it's natural for them as it's not not something they have to learn as they get older. I've been kind of focusing on finding other men that are sensitive or at least, you know, uh, sort of sensitive adjacent, you know, emotionally intelligent that I can have deep, meaningful conversations with. What would you say your experience has been in in that regard?

Speaker: 1:51

I still have my friends from high school that I uh really uh took somewhat care of. I uh something that my dad passed on that it was valuable to uh maintain those friendship. But looking back the the beginning of our lives as young men we we're we're off to I think a strong start in terms of skills to develop friendship and then it's later in our life when we realize we become more mature as well. Maybe testosterone go down a bit and we uh have more agreeability, less compet competitiveness and suddenly realize that uh you know that need for relationship is quite essential for for me when I was a boy and I suppose this is the case for for most boys.

Speaker: 2:36

It almost felt like just surviving um you know amongst all the other boys. Um you know not that seriously like fearing for my life or anything like that but I mean you didn't want to be sort of seen as the outsider. So whatever the sort of group dynamic was or there's usually an alpha male or two um whatever they kind of dictated those were sort of the rules that you went along with. And you know, I I didn't know that I was like a highly sensitive person. I didn't know what that was when I was a kid, obviously. But I I always felt like there's something slightly different than me, but there's no way I was going to show that to to my guy friendss as a as a young boy. Um, and so, you know, just sort of these in hindsight feel like superficial relationships. Um, but you know, as I even before I I realized I I was, you know, officially a highly sensitive person, uh, I think probably like in my late 20s or so, I started to to realize, you know, I've been friends with the same kids since like kindergarten and through elementary, junior high, and high school or whatever. And I still keep in touch with a lot of them, but uh I have to admit most of them if I were to meet them today, I wouldn't be be their friends. Like it's just based on history. And that's that's okay, you know, nothing wrong with that. But I found any time that I've tried to open up. It's kind of like doing this vulnerability test like to see is this person really safe? Um, you know, like I say, even though I've known them basically my whole life, I I still don't know if they're like safe for me to go to a certain level of vulnerability. So, I'll do like, you know, a little test like just test the waters with something. I'll admit something vulnerable. And you can find out usually pretty quickly if you know they're going to respond or uh in the way you want or if it's just going to be, you know, they're sort of rolling their eyes or you can tell they're they don't even get what you're talking about. So you often have your answer, but occasionally you find you know this person you've known your your whole life is like wow I you're a lot deeper than I I thought like finally broken the ice and and we can have deeper conversations after all these years. If you're resonating with this conversation so far or if you've felt the same kind of loneliness uh in your life, please make sure to subscribe and hit the like button so this video reaches more men who who need to hear this because I think it's a a valuable lesson for a lot of guys. Um, so how how do you feel about sort of opening up and discovering either what your old friends are like or moving on to meeting more um suitable, I guess, for lack of a better word, friends, like ones that uh give you, you know, meet meet your needs uh to to be vulnerable. I can totally uh relate as well to um feeling different as a young uh boy uh knowing that this um something was different. I remember at a young age though having a friend I think maybe grade one or two where uh I would bond with uh things that like uh that intellectually we were uh uh I think on the same um interest or Legos for example I had a friend we would go to their house and and uh play Legos together. I felt s I felt safe with him. Uh it was one-on-one. Uh he was calm. So I h at that young age I had uh those friends and I remember high school as well. Uh then you I played hockey. Um in the hockey room I would say it's a different type of environment for sure. You put your mask on. You like you say you don't want to expose any of HSB. Not that I knew at the time, but any sensitivity, you even uh sometimes counter um the sensitivity by showing a behing the opposite which is feel weird from to do it when you're young is something like the the transition as I was saying as you age maybe testosterone go down more you know yourself more now. You uh learn those skills that are maybe not um natural as as young boy or that are not encouraged as young boy that now you learn on on the job. Regardless of positive spin, it's always been a challenge um for me uh to make friends. I just wanted to to share my slightly similar story like I I played hockey in my 40s and I remember the exact same thing you're talking about. It's like you know in the in the dressing room or on the ice you know you're just like everybody's like tough guys. I mean we're joking around or whatever. It's not like a you know a case of being overly macho or whatever but I mean everybody was just like talking about the game. And then I remember there was a group of I don't know six or eight of us that would go out for a beer after the game and I remember one time going and sitting in some pub and uh there was like hardly any conversation because it's like nobody knew what to talk about but I happened to be sitting next to this guy um and we started chatting and getting to know each other a little bit better and you know it was like a half hour 45 minute talk just between the two of us um and you know I could see through the corner of my eye that everybody else was just kind of sitting there like, you know, sort of watching the TV in the corner or just drinking their beer. They had like absolutely nothing to say to each other. Um, but turns out me and this guy, we ended up become becoming really good friends. Um, I don't know if he's an HSP or not, but certainly uh if he's not, HSP is um, you know, close close enough, like I say, emotionally intelligent. and we just had a great talk and were able to, you know, still play hockey together. That wasn't a problem. But, uh, you know, if I was having a tough day or, you know, the other way around, we'd be there for each other and could support each other. That was nice. I mean, it's it's not that uh HSP men don't play sports or, you know, get involved in any of the sort of usual guy stuff, but we don't just all sit at home reading our books by ourselves or listening to classical music. That's not necessarily who all some of us might be, but not all of us are. Um but uh you know it's tricky especially in those sort of typical male situations whether it's sports or workrelated to to find those uh sort of gems that uh you can develop a nice relationship with.

Speaker: 9:31

No, I I really like that uh example uh Nathaniel because it speaks to uh the openness and I think it's it's a healthy healthy way to um to go out uh of loneliness and and socialize uh you know and expose yourself and uh and spark the universe in a way. For a lot of years in my life, I thought I was a lone wolf. I had this idea that I don't need anyone. Uh it was easier. I do my hikes. Uh but then at some point you realize you want to socialize and and not everyone as I think I said that earlier not not every relationship needs to be deep uh conversation. Um, so just getting myself out there and then uh the HSB group that I joined definitely for uh brought me a lot more and a lot more deeper conversation and very thankful for that. I encourage all HSP to join a uh HSP group uh if they they're hesitating about that. But um I should just interject for one second. That's where we met. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. I I live 5,000 kilometer from where I was born. So all my family, friends from childhood are I speak to them on the phone. I have cousins that I speak on the phone regularly to have deeper conversation. But where I live um here uh in Victoria, I um you know have a limited amount of uh socialization. and I have my kids. But getting myself out there and not needing uh to have all those relation relationship to be uh that super deep I think for me was was something that that helped and worked out often. If you join a a group or a club or whatever with the expectations of meeting friends that it usually doesn't happen. So I mean I I always suggest for well for me and for for other guys uh at least join something that you're going to enjoy. You know join it for the sake of of doing that activity. And if you happen to meet friends I mean it's it's more likely because you have something in common. Uh but if it doesn't happen that you you can be okay with that. as HSP being part of the 20% I think it's a good idea to just not isolate ourselves and and and try to um be curious about everyone about even the 80% that is not HSP I think there's a lot of people that have sensitivity in there too as at some point I was realizing over the last few years uh even even just recently as well even more how perfectionism um was a barrier to f to making friends for me. Um and so I looked online and there's quite a bit of content uh on the link between HSP and perfectionism. Then I was noticing that in myself how uh when I was trying to make friends how often time I would burst into perfe per perfectionism. Oh that person is is not like me. Oh always finding a reason uh to to not pursue the friendship. This is something that I think um as HSP to be mindful of is interesting for me anyway. uh and and um reassure that part of myself that wants to go there that um just try to make it relax and say, "Look, not everyone's going to be like you, Michel, and uh you know, we got to be acceptant uh of differences if you want to make friendship." Yeah, that that I think is is is a um a revelation for me uh or an important piece of u uh staying away or from loneliness. And conversely, you can see that okay, they might not have these sensitivities, but they're still they can still be really good people. I'm sure most of our family members aren't aren't HSPs, and we're certainly not going to cut them out of our lives because of that. And same with a lot of friends or people that we meet. So, it's just learning to to get different things from different people. Um, my my wife has a an expression, don't go to the hardware store for bread, which is, you know, just a way of saying you can only get what uh what you can from what people can can provide you. No, totally. That acceptance I think of um differences in the end I think is quite key. you know, when you you meet someone uh you know, and you've you've seen them for a few times and you're starting to get to know them, thinking, I'd like to get to know this person better, you know, maybe we'll become friends, but I just like to initiate something, you know, like we say, going for for coffee or a walk or whatever it is. I find it's quite common for people just to say, I'm I'm busy. And that really gets to me um because last time I checked we all had 24 hours in the day. Um you know we're all busy. We're all we all have work. We all have family commitments or social things or whatever it is we have. Like everybody's busy. So that to me is a really lame excuse. Um, it's I I think it's partly a way of saying I'm feeling overwhelmed, but it's also that that you don't have your priorities set the way that maybe you should. Um, you know, it's like, yeah, I'd like to go for for coffee with you, but I I just don't have time. Or they'll they uh what I call the the let's let's do lunch phenomenon where somebody just says let's do lunch, but they don't they never actually mean it. That that's actually going to happen ever. So if making friends is a priority for you then make the time. I I think uh it's it's known that relationship is work and it's hard is is we're we get triggered in any relationship. We we get mirrored. we get a reflection of ourselves and and some a lot of people will find excuses and I too uh find excuses to uh not pursue some friendship in the past. Ideally in I think in all relationship you're going to see growth. You you're going to um get uh into situations where it's going to make you think about yourself. um or about life or about uh a lot of things and some people are um don't like to go to those areas and can be too scary. But um yeah, if they're not willing to go there, then that's too bad. They might need to to do some personal work, but not everybody's

Speaker: 16:47

ready for it. Yeah, the isolation of men as we age, uh I think I see it in in my family. Um I see it in friends that have put let's say all eggs in one basket and caring about their wives and realized and the wives have is a broader network of friends and and uh is thriving and the man is only connected to the wife. Um this is something I've seen uh a number of times. I want to go against the current and um you know do uh I'm trying to um that's why this conversation I think is is good to have finding ways to uh avoid loneliness and isolation and get ourselves out there break that um belief uh or those values around men that we're not supposed to be sensitive or that we you're um not supposed to have intimacy with other uh men or deep conversation I think is is um putting us in a in a tough position uh especially as we age um because isolation I is uh is a health uh brings a health risk as you were highlighting at the beginning. Do you think there's a sense of shame in men, especially as we get older to pursue, for lack of better words, friends? Uh, I don't know if it's shame. I I I definitely I sense uh from what I see uh powerless uh from maybe non-HSP having no skills, no curiosity, no tools um to start the work and uh have been been guilty maybe or uh of not caring about that part of the important part of their lives. It's like neglect uh of of an important piece of your life uh and finding themsel later in life realizing God this is hard and if you haven't done the work for 20 10 15 whatever years how do you go out now to uh to make it happen? It's harder right? It's it's really hard. Yeah. And I think a lot of men just kind of throw up their hands and say, "Well, it's too hard. It's I don't I'm not up for this kind of work. I'm just going to be lonely and accept that." And, you know, like you say, if they have a a a wife, then they'll just focus on on her and the kids if they have any and and that's that. And otherwise, just kind of lead a lonely life. Yeah. And and if you if you don't have a wife, what's the your situation? I think to go back to what you were saying about shame, I think men have the hardest time to be vulnerable. That that is I think uh what prevents us the most to um make the moves is vulnerability. We we we have a hard time going into being vulnerable in front of other people. And so we divert to um not wanting to be vulnerable and then paying the price for it. You know, if you want friendships, you got to say, well, what's worse? Like the potential of being ridiculed or being lonely and not having any friends. Like they say, you you regret more of the things that you don't do than the things that you do. So, I' I'd rather take a chance. Worst case scenario, you feel foolish or uncomfortable for a a small time and then they're like, "Okay, well, I won't be vulnerable with that person again, but I'll try it again with somebody else and hopefully have better luck this time." I'm convinced that out there's tons of men wanting to reach out to uh their old friends or even sometimes their brothers. And on both ends, both thinking about it, but both um feeling uh ashamed or uh not wanting to show that uh vulnerability of reaching out and and

Speaker: 21:21

staying isolated for those reasons. Yeah. Well, I I have a somewhat heartwarming story on on that front. Thinking about my dad. He died almost four years ago and he went along that path that we're talking about where you know he had lots of friends when he was younger and then slowly those that those numbers dwindled and uh he had one particular friend they were probably best friends or at least one of his closest friends that they had a a a parting of ways um some disagreement several years back and then they just you know lost touch and stopped talking to each other And after a while, you know, I don't know how many years, it's probably like a couple decades later, my dad just decided he's going to make an effort and, you know, put out an olive branch or whatever you want to call it. And, you know, it took a a little bit of mending, but uh, you know, within a few weeks or whatever, next thing you know, they're like best friends again, talking to each other on the phone all the time, emailing and so on. And it's is nice to see. I mean, there's there's still hope. So, uh, you know, if I'm not suggesting that people contact, uh, friends that they weren't really that good friends with back when they were kids, but a lot of these people, it's like, oh my god, like I I love to know how this person's doing and, um, you know, make that that effort to to get in touch with them because that's it's like a kind of like a a resource that you've got there. Like you might want to call it sort of the lowhanging fruit, you know? It's like why put all this effort into meeting people that I don't know where it's like, oh, I know I like this guy. I just I'd lost touch with him and he's probably wondering what happened to me as well. So, why not uh you know reconnect? That brings me to our our challenge, a script for text to to reconnect with old friends. Feel free to pause the video and take a screenshot and uh you can uh write this uh type it yourself into your your text. Hey, whatever the person's name is, I saw something specific today and it made me think of that time we shared a memory. Realize it's been way too long. Would love to catch up properly. Are you around for a quick coffee or call next week? No pressure at all if you're swamped. Just wanted to say hi. I'll just make up a fictional friend here. Hey, James. I saw this old Genesis CD. Remember Abacab today? And it made me think of that time we went to the Genesis concert way back in grade 10. I realize it's been way too long. Would love to catch up properly. Be around for our coffee or something next week. No pressure, but I just wanted to say hi. So, could be anything as as simple as that. Like just a a simple reason to, you know, connect with somebody. And, you know, it's not putting any pressure on the on the other person. So, feels like he's he's off the hook if uh he's he's not into it. I want to challenge you, the viewer or listener. Pause this video or podcast right now and send that text and then comment sent down below. And if you get a reply, come back and let us know what they said. We want to celebrate that win with you. If sending the text feels too scary right now, let us know that in the comments. What is the number one thing stopping you from reaching out to old friends? Is it fear of rejection or just not knowing what to say?

Speaker: 24:39

On that note, uh we'll wish you happy friend hunting. That's a good one. Happy friend shopping, maybe. But seriously, you're not only doing yourself a disservice by by not making friends or meeting other people, but you might be doing other people a disservice by not letting them meet you.